*Hrvatski prijevod je odmah iza Engleskog (klikni ovdje da preskocis engleski) 

22. kolovoza, 2007

U danima kao sto je ovaj danasnji, moja majka mi nedostaje vise nego sto zelim priznati. Na kraju krajeva, ja sam odrasla osoba; zrela, jaka, odgovorna, i sama sam majka troje djece. Razumijem ja u potpunosti da je odvajanje djece od roditelja jedan skroz normalni dio zivota.

No ipak, u ovom trenutku, znam da bi jedino moja majka bila u stanju olaksati ovaj pritisak u prsima i obrisati suze koje se usprkos svoj mojoj snazi ipak probiju do obraza.

Matthew je divan, stabilan muz koji uvijek gleda naprijed. On pusti proslosti da bude tamo gdje joj je mjesto - iza nas. Ja, za razliku, na prvi dan skolske godine, stojim na skolskom igralistu i gledam kako moj mali petogodisnji Evan u redu hoda za uciteljicom, dokle got se ne izgubi iz vidika. Cim ga vise ne vidim, odmah osjetim griznju savjesti: da li sam provela dosta vremena s njim, da sam mu dala dovoljno paznje…

Imam ja par prijateljica koje prolaze kroz iste stvari i razumiju te nase zenske emocije. Ali ni jednoj ne mogu bas sjesti u krilo i dobro se isplakati…

Sanja je u Los Angelesu. A i da smo blize, ja sam ipak njena “starija sestra”.

Da je mama tu kraj mene, nas dvije bi se dobro isplakale i bilo bi nam lakse. Ona me pozna najbolje - od trenutka kad sam pocela zivjeti.

I nije da mi fali samo iz sebicnih razloga… Gledam je kako je prekrasna - ljudi je cijene i vole. Ima dobar posao: cijeli zivot je marljivo radila - i na poslu i doma (dok smo mi svirali i pjevali…), no da je sistem bio drukciji, njena talentiranost i rad bi bili daleko bolje placeni (nikad nije bila u partiji, i uz to nikad nije kompromitirala svoj integritet i postenje.) Ali na kraju dana, sama je. U domu u kojem smo nekada bili jedna obitelj.

Znam, ljudi ce reci: “ti si ta koja si otisla”… Djeca uvijek odlaze. U mladosti nitko ne razmislja o buducnosti.

Fali mi da je odvedem na neki zgodan, elegantni rucak, da ja njoj napravim piceka s krumpirima ili juhicu s domacim knedlima, da odemo u kazaliste zajedno, da se zajedno skrivamo iza ugla i gledamo Danteka i Evana kako se igraju na skolskom igralistu, da se smijemo Blaisu i igramo tenis i da ju vidim ponosnu na najvrijedniji dio njenog truda - sve ono sto je kao majka dala meni, sto cu ja dati svojoj djeci i sto ce moja djeca prenjeti svojoj…

Zato sam joj napisala pjesmu. Uvijek mi je bilo lakse izraziti se kroz glazbu… Ovo je prvi put da pjevam neku od svojih pjesama na hrvatskom. I ovaj puta nemam tremu izdati je u javnost - jer je nisam napisala ni za kriticare ni za top-liste. Jednostavno, to je pjesma Mojoj Majci.

MOJOJ MAJCI
(To My Mother)*
Words and Music by Tajci.

GLEDAM TE KAKO ODLAZIS, PO ‘KO ZNA KOJI PUT/ I CUJEM KAKO GOVORIS: “BUDI JAKA, TVOJ PUT JE DUG”

A ZNAMO OBADVJE/ ZIVOT KRATAK JE / I U TRENU PRODE SVE/ I SVAKI DAN BEZ TEBE, / JEDAN DAN MANJE JE / A GODINE PROLAZE.

GLEDAM TE KAKO STOJIS SAMA NE BOJIS SE NICEGA / I POMISLIM DA LI ZNAS KAKO NA TEBE SAM PONOSNA / A ZNAMO OBADVJE…

TREBAM TE / DA VOLIS ME / U KRILU TVOM DA BUDIM SE / JER SVAKI DAN BEZ TEBE / JEDAN DAN MANJE JE / A GODINE PROLAZE

GLEDAM TE KAKO SMIJES SE / OSMIJEH BRISE BORE SVE / LIJEPA SI, SA SLIKE GLEDAS ME / A JA BIH DA SI KRAJ MENE.

Copyright 2007 Tajko Music, BMI (Cameron Productions)

On a day like this, I need my mother more than I’d like to admit. I am an adult; a strong, mature, responsible grown up who has children of her own. I should be able to recognize that separation between parents and children is natural and perfectly normal part of life’s cycle.

Still, there is a lump in my throat and the pressure in my chest that only my mother could fully understand, and only she could offer me comfort I need right now.

Matthew is a wonderful, very stable husband who walks away looking forward into the future. I watch my son walk in a single file line with following his Kindergarten teacher, until I can’t see him any more. And even then, I can’t pull myself away. I immediately ask myself: have I spent enough time with him all these years, could I have done better?

I have a few amazing girlfriends who understand exactly what I am experiencing, but… I can’t really sit in any of their’s laps and cry my eyes out…

My sister is back in Los Angeles. And even if I was still there, close to her, I’d still probably want to play my part of being the “big sister” .

But if my Mama was here, we would cry together until we both felt just fine.

And it’s not just for selfish reasons I miss her. I watched her when she was visiting - so beautiful, strong, talented and disciplined. She worked very hard all of her life allowing us to sing and play all the time. She has a good job now, but because she wasn’t the part of the “system” during the communist years, and her honesty and integrity kept her out of all sorts of “deals”, she hasn’t been properly rewarded. She has many friends, but at the end of the day, she is all alone in the apartment where, once there was a family.

I know, people would say: “You were the one who left…” Children always leave. When we are young, we don’t think about the future, that some day, our parents, and we are going to be old…

I miss taking her out to lunch, and making a dinner for her, and going to the movies, and hiding together behind the school building to watch my boys at recess, being proud together of what she has taught me, what will be passed down generations to come.

So, I wrote a song. I’ve always been better at expressing how I feel through music. And this is the first song in Croatian that I feel confident enough to release - because I didn’t write it to be a hit song, or to satisfy critics. It’s simply a song for my Mother.

MOJOJ MAJCI
(To My Mother)*
Words and Music by Tajci. (English Translation)

I watched you as you were leaving, leaving once again / I heard your voice as you were saying: / the journey is long, you’ve got to be strong.

And we both know, that life is way too short / In a moment all will be gone
And every day you’re not around, is one more day gone by / All the years just stay behind

I watched you as you stood alone, / there was nothing that you feared /
and I thought if I had ever told you / how proud of you I’d been / And we both know…

And all I need / is for you to love me / In your arms like long ago I want to be /
because every day you’re not around, is one more day gone by / And all the years fall behind

I watched you as you smiled at me, your face looked young again
You are beautiful, in the picture frame / and I need you right here with me.

Copyright 2007 Tajko Music, BMI (Cameron Productions)

It’s the last day of summer vacation. School starts tomorrow. Dante is ready for 2nd grade. He’s been reading chapter books, kids’ magazines, Peanuts comic books and his favorite Book of Jokes. He’s been practicing piano and he is proud to say that he can play “Little Mozart” and two of Beethoven’s Symphonies (!) But, if you visualize Dante working through his piano books while I am blissfully preparing a healthy snack in the kitchen - or, for that matter, blissfully working in my studio, let me write here, as a reminder to all, that even the most talented kid needs parent involvement. LIfe is too exciting, there is so much to do, even if you never let them watch a single TV show. We have been blessed with amazing neighbors who have amazing kids our boys’ age. It’s been one big, unending play date (that we didn’t have to drive to, or plan weeks ahead!)

Evan starts Kindergarten tomorrow. He is excited and a bit nervous. Every night, he checks the days off on his “Shamu” calendar and double-checks with me every morning: “What day is it, Mama? What number?” He sits at his desk, and writes in his notebook: “1+1=2, 2+2+4, 100+100=200, 1000+1000=2000″ I told him once that Mrs. Tucker wouldn’t have much to teach him, since he’s been practicing and he took that as an extra encouragement. He started violin lessons and it amazes me how much he enjoys it, and just how serious he is about it.

Blais will miss his brothers when they are off to school. He turned two this summer. When he hears music, his little body starts moving, and if he catches anyone watching him, his goes from his “casual dancing mode” to a “performance mode “.

And as for me and Matthew, well, we both had grand plans for the summer - I was going to have not one, but two albums done by October. Instead, I learned to play tennis, discovered a few amazing music spots (and musicians) in our town, spent time with my kids and my friends, and when my Mom visited us in early July, I took every day to enjoy her. (All right, I did a few video songs and worked on a few other things)

Matthew was going to rebuild the bus. (He worked very hard on the bus - check out his log - and on several house-improvement projects in addition to booking the tours - check out the calendar.)

We watched “Pursuit of Happyness” as our summer wrap movie. It trully was an inspiration and a reminder of how blessed we are.
And… I’ve always loved working hard. Before I had kids, I was the happiest when my calendar was so full there was no room for “scribbles”. I loved the energy and the constant challenge, being creative and productive. Finding the right balance between dedicated, disciplined work - at a home studio - and a dedicated, disciplined quality time with my boys is what I struggle with.

Because as of tomorrow, I’ll have two of my children in school, experiencing the world without me. And every ambitious and industrious part of me melts away before the chance to dance and sing with Blais, to read to him as he sits in my lap, to hold his chubby little hand as we walk to town, to watch him run towards his brothers when they come home from school.

So today again, I’ll put off the work. It’s the last day of summer vacation.