Nineteen concerts, nine interviews (one for Croatian Nat’l TV, rest for various radio stations and newspapers), one guest spot on Fox 19, one Red Carpet Premier Screening and hundreds of miles traveled - all in a short three and a half weeks.

I feel a bit tired. I actually curled up on a couch today and watched HGTV (I guess it’s the whole “home” thing that I crave after a tour.) What I really need is sleep, but I am still too “wired up” to sleep. I close my eyes and I see the faces of people we connected with this past tour. I hear their stories and their compliments. It was an amazing tour.

But… what do I do now? It’s six days before Christmas and I don’t have a single gift (the only one I do have I ordered on line and it won’t be delivered untill after the 26th of December.) Sure I love the Christmas season… and you know that line I wrote about the peanut butter cookies - it’s not going to happen. Or the one about cleaning the floors and windows… just how unrealistic and silly! Matthew finally put the lights up this morning and I am still planning to gather the neighbouring kids and teach them a bunch of Christmas carols and then visit the local nursing home for a short performance.

Yeah, right.

After I sleep for a week.

Well, I am going to have to make some strong coffee and keep going. But no matter what, I am not going to panic… At least not today.

Today I am enjoying the softness of my sofa, the lights on the Christmas tree and my boys playing right there next to me.

And when I start feeling a bit stressed, I sing to myself: There is nothing, nothing that you have to do… just believe (well, believe and DO a few little things… tomorrow

Devetnaest koncerata, devet intervjua (od toga jedan za Brisani Prostor HTV-a), nastup za americku televiziju Fox 19, premijera novog DVDa u Hollywood-skom stilu i stotine kilometara prevaljenih - sve u samo tri i pol tjedna.

Malo sam umorna… Zapravo sam danasnje poslije podne provela ugodno smjestena u sofu. Cak sam i gledala HGTV (Dom i vrt TV! - uvijek se nakon turneje zazelim svega sto ima veze s domacinstvom) Zapravo sam trebala spavati cijelo poslije podne ali nisam mogla - prvo se moram opustiti. Svaki put kad zatvorim oci, pomislim na sve one ljude koje smo sreli na koncertima. Cujem kako mi pricaju o svojim sudbinama, ili kako komentiraju koncert. Turneja je bila jako dobra.

I, sto sada? Jos samo sest dana do Bozica, a ja nemam ni jedan poklon (jedini kojeg sam uspijela kupiti preko interneta nece stici prije 26-tog prosinca!) Naravno, volim Bozicne blagdane… Napisala sam jednu pjesmu koja govori o cijeloj guzvi prije Bozica - ovdje u Americi je prava ludnica. Kao da stvarno sve moramo obaviti prije Badnjaka - cak i oprati prozore i podove, biti s djecom, posjetiti starce u lokalnom domu, speci kolacice, kupiti darove, poslati cestitke, otici do frizera, okititi ne samo bor nego i cijelu kucu - i iznutra i izvana.

Mislim stvarno…

Mozda nakon sto se naspavam.

Ili, nakon par salica jake kave. No u svakom slucaju, obecala sam sama sebi da se necu predati panici. Polako…

Kao sto sam napisala u pjesmi: “ne trebamo nista - samo vjerovati” (i mozda obaviti samo par sitnica… sutra

Proslog utorka, Blais je radosno pjevao i svirao udaraljke zajedno sa klincima iz muzickog vrtica Miss Amande, dok je mene odjednom oblio hladan znoj i dobro mi se zavrtilo u glavi. Miss Amanda nas je obavjestila da ce se i slijedeceg tjedna sat odrzati iako je Dan Zahvalnosti tog cetvrtka.

Dan Zahvalnosti? Nemoguce. Sigurno se samo htjela nasaliti.

Svako bi pomislio da osoba s malom djecom , od kojih su dvoje u skoli (kao npr. ja), vodi racuna o datumima. Pogotovo sto sam se ja dobro opskrbila planerom, kalendarom na kompjuteru (koji je sinhroniziran s kalendarom na telefonu) i velikim zidnim kalendarom koji mi stoji iznad radnog stola.

Nekako sam jos uvijek bila sigurna da imam barem nekoliko tjedana (tri, od prilike) prije Dana Zahvalnosti i pocetka Bozicne turneje. Jos sam uvijek bila na zasluzenom-odmoru-nakon-jesenske-turneje.

Prvo sam u sebi rekla “hvala Bogu sto sam prihvatila poziv moje svekrve da proslavimo Dan Zahvalnosti kod nje.” Pomislila sam koja ludost da sam je pokusavala odgovoriti od te ideje i nagovoriti je da ipak budemo kod nas, jer sam pozeljela isprobati par novih gourmet recepata - nakon svake turneje kad dodemo doma, kucne stvari, kao kuhanje, mi se cine jako privlacne, cak romanticne… Sad mi je bilo JAKO drago da je moja svekrva trvdoglavo ostala pri svome.

Duboko sam udahnula, na trenutak pokusala zaustaviti sve misli, a onda sam izvadila svoju listu obaveza. Odmah sam prekrizila par stvari koje sam zeljela napraviti (kao na primjer “kupiti teglu za persin” kojeg sam planirala presaditi kako bih ga sacuvala od zime) i dala se na posao.

Sad je taj “drugi tjedan”. Dosta sam toga uspjela obaviti. Dosta mi je toga jos ostalo. Ja sam jedna od onih koji ne znaju kako stati. Volim raditi. Volim izazove i volim posao obaviti najbolje moguce.

Ali ja isto tako volim blagdane. Volim se zabavljati s mojim klincima, s mojim suprugom i prijateljima. I cijela tradicija, simbolika, trud i paznja koja je utkana u pripravljanje Purice i cijelog objeda, jako mi se svida. Bas cu uzivati u jelu moje svekrve, promatrajuci moje decke kako igraju sah s njihovim djedom (cak i mali Blais voli sjediti kraj njih i pratiti igru!). Mislit cu na svog tatu. Zvat cu mamu da joj cujem glas. I barem na jedan dan, opustit cu se i necu ni pomisliti na sve ono sto me ceka na mojoj listi obaveza…

A onda, opet na turneju. No to je vec druga tema. Za sad, uzivajmo u Danu Zahvalnosti. Polako, mirno, zahvalni za sve one male radosti koje cine zivot bogatim i lijepim.

For me, it happened in the middle of Miss Amanda’s Music Garden class last Tuesday. Blais was enjoying playing sticks and singing a song with the rest of his toddler classmates, when all of a sudden I felt dizzy and my heart started racing. Miss Amanda had announced that we will still have the class next week (meaning today) even though it was Thanksgiving week…

Thanksgiving!? Surely she was just trying to be funny.

You would think that with two boys in school I would be better at keeping track of the calendar. It’s not like I don’t have a few Planners, computer Calendars, even an good old wall calendar right next to my desk…

Somehow I thought I still had a few (like three) weeks before Thanksgiving and our Advent Tour. I was still in my I-deserve-a-little-break-after-our-October-Tour mode.

Immediately I thanked God for my Mother-in-Law’s invitation to spend Thanksgiving at her house, just like last year. To think that I tried to talk her into coming to our house instead, because I craved domestic things after being on the road… I was REALLY glad she was persistent.

I took a big breath, paused my thoughts for a long moment and pulled out my To-Do list. I crossed out a bunch of things I really wanted to do (like getting some pottery for my parsley plants so I could bring them in for the winter) and got to work.

Now it’s “next week”. I got a lot done. And still there is much more to do. I’ve always struggled with knowing when to stop. I like work, I like challenge and I like to have things done well.

But I also like holidays. I like to party and have a good time with my family and friends. I like the tradition, significance and all the love that goes into preparing a Thanksgiving meal. I am going to enjoy my Mother-in-Law’s dinner and my boys playing chess with their Grandfather (yes, even Blais likes to sit by the board and follow the game). I will miss my Dad. I will call my Mom to hear her voice. I will relax for a day and forget about all that’s left on my list.

And then it’s back on the road for us. But that’s already another entry… For now, let’s have a great Thanksgiving. Grateful, joyous and peaceful (you know the “inner” peacefull)!

Snimano 4. prosinca 2006 u crkvi Sv. Jeronima u Chicagu.

Objavljeno za uspomenu na Tajcinog oca Stanka Matejasa na godisnjicu njegove smrti, 8. rujna 2007.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pb_PeMANklU]
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SUZA ZA ZAGORSKE BREGE
(A Tear for the Hills of Zagorje)*

V JUTRO DISECE, GDAR BREGI SU SPALI, A MESEC JOS ZAJTI NI STEL, / POTIHO SEM OTPRL RASKLIMANU LESU I PINKLEC NA PLECA SAM DEL

STARA JE MATI ISLA ZA MENOM, NEMO VU ZEMLU GLEDEC / I NI MOGLA ZNATI KAJ ZBIRAM VU DUSI I ZAKAJ OD VCERA NIS REKEL NI REC / PREVEC SMO TOGA POVEDAT SI STELI / A VSE SMO POZABILI VEC.

GDA SMO VEC PRESLI KRAJ NAJZADNJE HIZE, / V SUZAH NAJEMPUT SEM BIL / KAJ NE BI TO VIDLA STARA MI MATI, / Z RUKAMA LICE SEM SKRIL

SVUD OKO MENE SU DISALE ROZE / I BIL JE RASCVETENI MAJ / A JA NIS NI JEMPUT POGLEDAL ZA SOBOM, OD TUGE NIS MOGEL POZDRAVITI KRAJ / SAMO SEM BREGIMA DRAGIM OBECAL DA VRNUL SEM BUM NAZAJ.

Copyright 2007 Tajko Music, BMI (Cameron Productions)

Filmed on December 4th, 2006 at St. Jerome’s Church in Chicago.

Released in Memory of Tajci’s father Stanko Matejas on September 8th, one year anniversary of his passing.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pb_PeMANklU]
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Translation:

On that fragrant morning, the hills were still sleeping
The moon was still holding her place.
I quietly opened, our rickety gate and threw all I had on my back

My mother dear was walking behind me, silently watching the ground
She couldn’t know what I felt in my soul
And why I did not speak a word since last night,
There’s just too much that we needed to say,
But somehow we simply could not.

As we passed by the last friendly house
suddenly tears filled my eyes.
Since I didn’t want my mother no notice I raised my face to the sky.

Around me the roses greeted the morning, it was the springtime in May
Not even once could I look back behind me,
My sadness had stopped me from saying Goodbye,
But the one thing I did was, I promised those hills
that I will be back someday.

Copyright 2007 Tajko Music, BMI (Cameron Productions)